Not to sound like a complete wanker but I’m starting this post with a quote, and I’d like you to stick with me…

“Comparison is the thief of Joy”.  – Theodore Roosevelt 

No matter how much older and (hopefully) wiser I get, the temptation to compare myself with other people can be all too powerful. Whether it’s comparing my career, living situation, relationship, intelligence, financial status, travels… 

If I want to or better put, if I let myself, I can set out all the ways I think that someone might be ‘doing it better’ than me. The thing is, it’s almost an entirely pointless exercise. Unless you can use it as some kind of inspiration like ‘Ok, that looks like a great holiday destination, maybe I will look into that’ or ‘Right, let’s get a bit stricter with spending so my flat deposit gets a boost’ or ‘Wow they look great! Maybe I will ask what workouts they have been doing?’ 

Then you’re probably just creating a meaningless point system in your head, at the end of which you’ve placed yourself at the bottom and you feel deflated and shit. 

I’m going to guess the most common thing people make comparisons about is how they look. It’s right there in front of you, there’s no real detective work. Particularly when you’re not looking at people through the lens of social media which can be pretty misleading given all the different ways we can digitally augment ourselves these days. Whether you’re walking down the street, doing the food shop, or you’re all glammed up on a night out; without thinking you will look at people and make little internal judgements about how people look and assess how you might compare. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve found it easier to either quickly let go of those comparisons, or even avoid making them at all. I still do it more than I would like but no one’s perfect. How someone else looks has absolutely no impact on how I look. Another person’s beauty does not diminish your own. 

We’re already into the 6^th month of 2024 and I feel infinitely happier than I did for most of 2023. At the beginning of September last year, I was diagnosed with depression. It’s something I’ve known I’ve had for a long time but never had a formal diagnosis and had learned what coping techniques and processes I needed to adopt to help me through a depressive episode. Last year, those techniques stopped working and the depressive episode lasted longer than ever before. Once diagnosed, I began taking an anti-depressant, I spoke to my family and friends in depth about everything and I started therapy. Thankfully, I started to feel better relatively quickly and towards the end of the year, I felt excited and hopeful for what 2024 might have in store. 

The new year also brought with it something I hadn’t experienced in a long time: I fell in love. My boyfriend has accepted me and embraced me in all my weirdness, wackiness, flaws and catalogue of accents/voices and dad jokes, right from the get-go. He’s the calming introverted 6’5 sci-fi fanatic I never knew I needed. 

As with any new relationship, you want to spend as much time together as you can, go on adventures and generally have as much fun as possible. That involved me ditching exercise a lot and us cooking delicious meals together, going out for tacos, tucking into Asian tapas, sipping cocktails and getting silly tipsy together. 

So, when it came to our first holiday together (plus 4 other couples who were all his best friends and their long-term partners), I felt bigger than I ever have heading into a sunny trip to Spain. On top of that, I was also whiter than I had been in a long time because I decided over a year ago to ditch sun-beds for fear of the obvious. And fake tan felt a bit pointless.

The group we were with were incredibly lovely but that first day beside the pool when I put my bikini on, I felt myself shrink inwards. I was conscious of the belly rolls gathering, that my thighs were wobblier than usual and that my bum wasn’t looking as pert. Anyone who knows me knows that if you plonk me in a group of people I don’t know, I’m not shy. In that situation, I wasn’t necessarily shy but all I could focus on was how I looked in my bikini compared to the others, how I was disappointed in myself for not embracing a proper workout regime before going on holiday, what the photos of me would like etc. I got up and grabbed a towel from inside and wrapped it around my bottom half, making myself feel more comfortable and less vulnerable.

Now, I’d like to acknowledge I wasn’t incredibly overweight. Everyone has their own parameters of what feels comfortable to them when it comes to their body. I rarely weigh myself; I go by how I look and feel when I’m getting dressed. I just knew that on this holiday, particularly when you’re effectively wearing underwear most of the time and around a group of people you don’t know very well, I didn’t feel my best and I was conscious of it. 

While on holiday, I realised I had two options: I could sink into this feeling of being unattractive and not good enough to be there OR I could enjoy the holiday and keep telling myself what I looked like didn’t have to have any bearing on the experience at all. 

I was still able to kayak on choppy waters for 8km, swim and snorkel in and around sea caves, hike in the hills and explore even more caves, jump in the pool and have underwater swimming competitions. I was still able to encourage the girls to stay up till 2am having a dance party in the villa and lead a twerking lesson. 

Since coming home at the end of May, I’ve been more focused on eating better and trying to be consistent with my workouts, as has my boyfriend. I’m not trying to do it so the next time I’m in a bikini, the aesthetic will be worthy of my Instagram grid (although that’s probably a wee part of it), it’s just what I know keeps me mentally and physically well. I have always liked to feel fit and strong. 

I suppose there are a few points to this long-winded post: 

• It’s a privilege to travel and go on holiday, don’t waste it worrying about things you can’t control in that moment. Especially superficial things. 
• Last year was one of the worst of my life; I was thinner and often skipped meals – If being happy, content and enjoying yourself means you put on a bit of weight, embrace it. 
• Respect the skin and the body you are in, protect it, acknowledge all the incredible things it does and can do for you. 

And finally… 

You are the only you. There is no comparison. There might be similarities, they might even be plentiful, but no one can replicate the unique gifts you have to offer the world.